When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
