Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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