I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
