i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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