I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
