So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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