I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
