textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
