I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
