i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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