a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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