Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
