I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
