there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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