Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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