so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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