I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
