so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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