Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i think my cat just said my name.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
