Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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