her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
