I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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