standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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