Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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