I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
