i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Best friends brother. Beat that.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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