Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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