I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
