I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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