in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
