I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please come you make the beer taste better
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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