Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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