R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
