She is in my trunk
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
vagina is talking i cant
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
