He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
