Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
