I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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