I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm passing your future prison.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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