She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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