somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
