Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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