textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
