What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
