so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
