The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
