I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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