you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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