I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
