youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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