Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
