just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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