it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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